Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

Sadly, I am not done yet…

This year I thought I’d put my brain in neutral and instead let you feast on the life lessons I learned from watching the Republicans during the current debt ceiling negotiations. Trust me: you can take these to the too-big-to-fail bank…

First and foremost: take a bath. Second: get a job. Third: don’t get sick. If you do get sick, ask your neighbors to hold a bake sale to pay for your medical bills. If you can’t raise enough money, thumb a ride to the morgue.

If you encounter new facts that challenge your existing beliefs, ignore them. If good things happen to you, God is responsible, and if bad things happen to you, liberals are responsible.

If you find yourself going through hard times, don’t fight it. It’s important that you hit rock-bottom and lose everything before you get back on your feet.

Stand up tall and proud for your core values by setting up a dark money Super PAC that will allow you to promote them anonymously.

Borrow an average of $23,000 from your parents and repeat as necessary.

Just say “no” regardless of the question.

Pay for the menfolk’s Viagra 100 percent but don’t pay a penny for the womenfolk’s contraception.

And never ever get your picture took with a corndog.

Okay, campus security is asking me to wrap this up. Thank you and good luck! (Ow—easy with the cuffs.) Don’t forget to text! Carpe diem like it’s 1999. (Gaahhh!!! Pepper spray, guys? Really??!)  Toodles!

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 24, 2023

Note: What’s up with the Amish?  They’ve been quiet lately.  Much too quiet.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til Memorial Day: 5

Days ’til the 33^rd annual ChowderFest in Waterville Valley, New Hampshire: 4

Percent chance that Florida is now so dangerous for minorities that the NAACP has issued a travel advisory: 100%

Percent of British adults who believe that Brexit has been a success, versus 62% who believe it has failed, according to a new YouGov poll: 9%

Number of asylum seekers who have come to Portland, Maine so far this year: 1,000

Maine‘s current unemployment rate, an all-time low: 2.4%

Age of NFL star, civil rights activist, and actor Jim Brown when he died last week: 87

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 5 “globalisms” and 1 post-Rapture loving home for “Maxy”).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: You rocks…

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CHEERS to shutting a very large and loud pie hole. Well, hallelujah. Six months after the governor’s election concluded in Arizona, and six months after MAGA loser Kari Lake promised that the courts would order Democrat Katie Hobbs to step down after her devious attempt at election fraud (Defective printers and fake signatures and scheming election workers, oh my!) was “toppled” like a “house of cards,” the final judge in the final case rendered the final verdict:

In a 6-page ruling, Maricopa County Superior Court Judge Peter Thompson ruled that Lake had not provided evidence of misconduct in the county’s signature-verification procedures for early ballots. […]

Thompson, who was appointed by former Republican Gov. Jan Brewer, found no “clear and convincing evidence or a preponderance of evidence that such misconduct was committed by ‘an officer making or participating in a canvas,'” according to the ruling.

He also found no evidence that alleged misconduct affected the election’s outcome.

So it looks like the Democrat will remain the duly-elected governor after all, and continue to get positive, productive stuff done on behalf of all of the state’s citizens.  Stay strong, Arizona—you’ll make it through this.

JEERS to the continuing distraction from job creation. Here’s the latest on the debt crisis: The debt crisis will continue until 11:59 pm on May 31, 2023, when it will end. And it’s not a crisis. Join us tomorrow for our next debt crisis update, which will be the same as today’s except maybe we’ll bring cookies if you ask nicely.

CHEERS to Monsters of Mass Deception.  On May 24, 1933 the Loch Ness Monster was “sighted” for the first time.  For 90 years no one has ever been able to provide definitive proof that it actually exists. It’s like the Republican ability to govern of sea monsters.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to reaching out and touching someone.  On May 24, 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the first telegraph message: “What hath God wrought.” And, no surprise, within minutes it gave birth to the fledgling tap-out-porn industry.  (“Oh….ba…by….yeah….fast…er…ooh…ooh…”)

CHEERS to looming leisure.  The summer season officially starts in 48 hours, and the #1 way to kick it off is, of course, by battling traffic. This weekend’s forecast from AAA is up to level “Horn Honky”…

AAA projects 42.3 million Americans will travel 50 miles or more from home this Memorial Day weekend, a 7% increase over 2022. This year, 2.7 million more people will travel for the unofficial start of summer compared to last year, a sign of what’s to come in the months ahead.  

“This is expected to be the third busiest Memorial Day weekend since 2000, when AAA started tracking holiday travel,” said Paula Twidale, Senior Vice President of AAA Travel. “More Americans are planning trips and booking them earlier, despite inflation. This summer travel season could be one for the record books, especially at airports.”  

Nearly 3.4 million travelers are expected to fly to their destinations this Memorial Day, that’s an increase of 11% over last year. Despite high ticket prices, demand for flights is skyrocketing.

Memorial Day road trips are up 6% over last year. 37.1 million Americans will drive to their destinations, an increase of more than 2 million. 

If you’re planning an excursion to the beach or the mountains or the in-laws (oh lucky you), please follow our usual safety guidelines: drive with care and be sure to flip people off responsibly.

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Ten years ago in C&J: May 24, 2013

CHEERS to one step forward on the hiking trail to equality.  You could see the writing on the wall—literally—yesterday when the Boy Scouts of America voted on a national policy allowing openly-gay young’uns to join.  After all, when the organization formed by Lord Baden Powell chooses to hold their meeting at the Gaylord Texan, you can predict the outcome:

Over 61 percent of Scouting’s National Council of 1,232 delegates from across the country voted to lift the ban, BSA officials said. … Pascal Tessier, a gay 16-year-old from Kensington, Md., felt hopeful after the vote. He believes he can get his Eagle rank—the Scouts’ highest honor—in the fall. “There are a lot of things going through my head,” he said. “The initial reaction is ecstatic because I can go home and tell everyone that I’m still a Boy Scout.”

Congratulations, kids.  Your first mission: go to the quartermaster’s tent and get me a bacon stretcher, a wind shifter, and a sturdy bag to hold in the woods after dark to catch the feathered critters we send in your direction during tonight’s snipe hunt.  (Heh heh…)

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And just one more…

JEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: SCOFFLAW!!!  The call came yesterday morning after I’d delivered meals to the elderly but before I’d headed off to volunteer at the orphans center, saved a kitten from a tree, put out a house fire with nothing but my own urine and tackled a gang of bank robbers.  I was busy sorting clothes to take to Goodwill, so I let the answering machine pick up. This is the transcript of the message they left:

“Hello! There is an arrest warrant on your name regarding tax fraud.

So before this matter goes before the federal claims courthouse—or before you get arrested—kindly call us back at 539-5261. I repeat: 539-5261.

Thank you and have a blessed day.”

If you need me for anything today, you’ll find me panic-crawling through swamps and briar patches to Canada.  Please: someone remember to feed my elderly.

Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Wingnuts Having A Good Old-Fashioned Satanic Panic About … Cheers and Jeers

—Wonkette

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